You sat and watched the dusk slip into darkness. This change reminded you of the past month. The spark and embers of affection had played games with you and defeated you. Before this heartbreaking play, you had thought if the effort was worth it. You dived in.
She had asked you for a visit to her place. You obliged, glad to leave your home for a long walk to freedom. What freedom? Your doctor had advised you three weeks ago to exercise yourself often. This is a chance!
You got there, initiated intimacy but she declined, putting it off till two days later. You went again but saw her being queried by her father for coming home later than usual. You could only pass by. A wasted walk, you thought to yourself. Again, you were there but had to stand in the street for an hour waiting for her. She had dragged you there with a promise to tell (or was it ask) you something. She only showed up to check something from your phone and disappeared again. You were again a disappointed lot.
She said she'd visit you some days before her birthday but there was no sign of her. She had gone elsewhere instead. No value, nor respect, you thought. You even half-heartedly believed her when she said so. You thought again, "Can this work? Let's see".
You kept visiting and waiting near her house. She would come later and disappear too soon. When she showed up, she would ask you to help and you would. You would ask her to help do some things but she would refuse, evading it instead. She was like another who you lived with, a sister to you, so she called herself. That 'sister' would not dare to delegate duties to a younger sister to you, but an elder to her. 'Sister' would call you to give her things and do other things for her. If you ignored that, you would be tagged a lazy, old-fashioned, copycat. It felt like an obligation which you must commit to. Then you thought again, "Am I useless truly?"
You thought again that it seemed your thoughts were becoming futile. There were the signals. You were her pawn, her handsome puppet and she, the chess player and puppeteer.
There was news of earthquake on the TV. You were worse off. You had instead a heart quake and ache. The tremor rang through the past into that moment. You became deeply sad. If she saw you then, she would say you were on another fit of mood swings.
You decided you would stop chasing after them and see if they would turn back changed. You assured yourself of ignoring every negative comment about you. You knew this would work. How do you do this? You just have to try like you have tried to be vulnerable with them. Try!
